Trading Fear for Trust

For almost 8 years, I got up every weekday and went to the same building, parked in the same area, and made the same walk in, around, and out of that building. For 6 and a half of those years, I sat at the same desk. Monday through Friday held very little adventure, at least during business hours.

Now, there is this weird feeling every morning when I get up, like I am supposed to be somewhere. But, most mornings there is no place I have to be.

I still get up early out of habit. I still drink my morning coffee and sit down at my desk at home to get my brain started for the day. The routine of my day is not very different from when I was employed.

I could go into great details about how I plan my days, and the nuts and bolts of working towards a dream. I could talk about the importance of being productive over being busy, but none of that seems very interesting right now.

What might be interesting is the emotional ups and downs of any given day.

On any given day, I deal with the fear of the unknown of that day. I generally like to have a plan; know what I am doing, where I am going, and have an idea of what to expect. When you are jobless, and not looking for a job, this can get scary.

I feel like I’m trying to turn a big ship with a small rudder. I’m trying to maintain a financial course for my family while simultaneously making a huge career shift.

I stare at our budget/financial forecast and watch the money run out. I start thinking I should be updating my resume and applying for positions at Raymond James, PSCU, or some other company where I know I can find a job that offers a steady paycheck and other benefits for my family.

I hear those voices telling me I’ll never make it as a writer, I’m not good enough, and there are so many other people out there who are better than I am that are doing the same thing. Heck, there are other people writing a very similar blog post to this one right now. I’m certainly not alone in my fears or my hopes, though sometimes I wish I were so I could be justified in feeling fear and doubt.

But then I think back. I think back to that morning; that last morning I went into work and prayed from my heart. I laid it all before God and He answered.

Why is it so surprising when He answers? It shouldn’t be. If we are going to Him constantly; if we are laying down our lives for Him every day, it shouldn’t be odd that He takes action in our lives. After all, He is always taking action in our lives, but most of the time we don’t recognize, or even notice, when He does. On those rare occasions when we do actually see Him working, we are amazed.

So I’m amazed. I’m amazed because I am blind to the minute by minute action my Creator, who loves me more than anything, takes in my life. I’m amazed at how quickly that prayer was answered.

I was out for a walk the other day, enjoying the summer heat of St. Pete, and I took some time to look at this situation from a wide angle lens.

I’ve been so focused on the day to day drive towards the unknown, that I had forgotten that I have this beautiful opportunity in front of me to just enjoy life. I’m on an adventure out of my comfort zone and into new territory. I let go of the fear and doubt, and traded it for joy and trust.

We shouldn’t be surprised when God answer prayers, and we shouldn’t fear that He won’t answer our prayers. If he can answer that one prayer, then he can handle the rest as well.

I may have to remind myself of this often. I may need you to remind me sometimes, too. Let’s all focus on our confident hope in the Lord. It is Him, and only Him, that will provide. The temptation, for me, is to try to take control of the situation. And, doing so might yield some positive results, but trusting in God’s plan, focusing on God’s will, and allowing God to work in my life will yield bigger, better results than I can possibly imagine.

Jeremiah 29:11-14 (NIV)

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile.”